I figured I'd have a dozen or so kids by now...but my only kid is pushing 8 pounds at 4 years old and sniffing the floor right now. There's good in that too (not the sniffing the floor...that's tell-tale bad.) For instance, when I work 12 hours a day, he gets shut behind a gate...at home...alone...for free. Pretty sure that's illegal with tiny humans.
I think about the changes in my life since August of last year, and I'll admit, I recently went through a slump. If I hadn't moved, I would have a different life....and 10 toes (but that's a story for another day). I would still have the glory and spotlight that every true stage-whore needs...a place where I found I loved and almost needed to be. But...how do I know this? Could I not have just as easily freakishly chopped my own toe off in Guymon? AND...not had access to orthopedic trauma (hottie) surgeons and decent insurance. It could have been so worse. I also could have worn out my welcome on the stage and not have been a part this year anyway and had the emotional trauma of not being cast...lol. Life is life...it's shaped by decisions made. God brought me here for a reason and so far so good.
My life is not how I envisioned it...but my life is good...it's how it's supposed to be. I've got great stuff going on...
#1 - Ellarie Paige knows me and (most of the time) likes me. She has her moments where she's just...two. But what self respecting two year old doesn't? And she's just two...I've been around two year olds where were TWO...as in "oh dear heavens...please put that child back in the cage for another year or two...it's not ready for socialization" (just kidding...kind of). But, when she whispered in my ear, "I love you so much" and it was genuine...uncopied...and unsolicited...that's when it's all worth it. She's a little piece of my heart. I can't wait to see her and hear her excitement when she sees me. She told me I was her very best friend the other day (of course she later said the same to some toys...but still.) I hope she'll always see me as her friend and that probably wouldn't happen without this life.
#2 - My job. There are days...boy are there days...when I want to fling my stethoscope across the room and scream...go apply at McD's...or welfare...and leave. There are days when I want to pack up and retreat back to the job I knew well and forget learning new things and being constantly challenged. But, I have friends who keep me thankful to have left and let me know the grass ain't so green there either anymore. Plus, the people I work with are great and keep me coming back for more everyday.
#3 - Everleigh Grace...I don't know her yet and she kind of seems a little intangible right now, but she's coming soon. I'm excited but apprehensive at how it might change things. But, it'll be great and another person to love. And...this time I'll be there instead of on the highway. No one understands why that's important, but here it is--My aunt...who I rarely see...can tell me the story of the day I was born. She was in the waiting room waiting for me. Even if I never see her, I was important to her for at least one day and important enough to remember the story and important enough to retell the story. I want them to know they are important to me...but I want to be there for all the other days too...not just one special day.
There is so much more that matters but will wait for another time. I want to make my 36th year on the planet matter. I want to be important...important to me...and to others. I want to be able to grab each day and savor...spit out the bad ones and move on. I want to be a little one's "very best friend"...even if I have to stand in line. It's perspective.
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