because of...or in spite of??

We as a culture like to try to figure out why people are the way they are.  I got into a discussion about why someone is the way they are just the other day.  There must be a reason someone did what they did or acts continuously the way they do.  Even more so when people do terrible things, we like to look for a cause, such as a large bombing that kills a lot of people.  We try to explain why that person felt compelled to kill people.  Maybe we're just looking for someone else to blame.  Maybe we think that if we know what caused it we can fix it or prevent it.  I don't know.

Is a person born the way they are or are they made?  It's the whole nature vs nurture thing that I find is a pointless argument.  I think it's a mixture.  You are who you are because of how you were made, because of how you were raised, because of what has happened to you.  But, you are who you are IN SPITE of how you were made, IN SPITE OF how you were raised, and IN SPITE OF what has happened to you.

From the moment children start getting personalities, you can start to see what kind of person nature made them to be.  There are strong-willed, charismatic children and there are meek, timid children and there are children that fall in the spectrum all over between.  They don't all necessarily grow up to exhibit those personality traits as adults; some of them do. 

That's where nurture starts shaping.  The lessons taught by your parents help shape who you become.  The examples shown by your parents also help shape who you become.

For example, I remember as the more reserved sister of a very ornery brother, I was expected to do what everyone expected of me.  I was supposed to be nice and quiet and tow the line.  I did that well....in public. What made my brother the maddest was that I didn't do that at home.  I was not a nice quiet person at home.  Unfortunately all the effort of fitting into that mold and holding things back boiled over into all out explosions and emotional boiling overs and all kinds of generally messiness.  But the thing is, and as I've grown older and more comfortable with myself I now know, that quiet, reserved person wasn't me.  Not to say that I'm a horrible person that wants to break all the rules, but I'm not a quiet person by any means.  When I first meet someone I tend to observe and sit back and contemplate.  You see I still don't like offending people...I still tend to conform to what people expect me to be at first...and when I first meet you, I'm trying to figure out who you expect me to be. 

When I get to know you, I start letting myself out a little more and am generally happier in my interactions with you.  I say what I think...to a point.  I still censor back what is most offensive, in my judgment (though the older I get the more some things sneak past the censor).  That's one of the things I like about this blog.  If you don't like what I say, don't read it.  If I offend you, I don't generally have to know about it.  There's safety behind the computer screen and I can say a lot of things that I wanted to say but didn't feel the freedom to say. 

You see, I give a lot of thought to interactions, and sometimes don't say much because I'm still analyzing the interaction.  I think this comes from the fact that I don't trust easily.  How do I know what you really think of me?  This stems from the fact that I was taught to be nice to everyone, so I am generally...to their face.  But, sometimes I really don't like someone.  I am always afraid I'm that person for someone else.  I'm trying to work on that...but you know...it's ingrained.  I think I also don't trust well because of what has happened to me.  Basically I was left at the age of 5 by my father...though not of his own desires, through his death. 

But before you feel real sorry...I can say I am who I am IN SPITE OF those things.  I grew up hearing statistics about single parent homes all the time.  Girls are going to be pregnant young or out of marriage; boys are going to be on drugs or in jail.  Those statistics used to make me really angry because those things happen because of choices the person makes.  They choose to have sex and got pregnant; whether or not they had a father doesn't matter at that point.  It was a choice.  Did their lack of fathering cause that decision?  Maybe...but only because they let that circumstance so affect their entire life that it led to their decision.  I came from a single parent family, I'm 36, I'm a virgin...yup I said it...there ya go.  (and before you think it, not for lack of opportunity).  I did not get pregnant early.  I made the choice to wait.

What has happened to you will always shape you.  ALWAYS.  It will shape you by the way you react to it and the way you let it shape you.  A negative experience can be something you learn and grow from or it can be something you let mire you down until you can no longer function.  The same can be said of a positive experience.  The way you CHOOSE to react to it is what makes you who you are.

I am my mother's child...I am not my mother. 

My mother has good characteristics that I wish I had.  Her faith in God in spite of everything is one of those.  Sometimes my faith gets shaken too easily.  But I tend to react to things more...something happens and I react...usually with my emotions taking the lead.  I am not patient at all generally and the idea of waiting to see or praying about something for a long time just scares me.  I mean God knows me...he should know I don't like to wait around for things.  But, I think he does know and that's why he makes me wait around for things. 

My mother also has some characteristics that I'm glad I don't have...or don't think I have.  I'm not delving into them out of the deep respect I have for her.  But know that I have characteristics that she's thanking God that she doesn't have too probably.  I'm sure I have more characteristics she's glad to not have than vice versa lol.

As parents, you probably sometimes wish your child was a little more like you in the good ways and a little less like you in the bad.  But, remember they are who they are.  Their good and bad characteristics shape them into the person they are.  Guide that person, but love that person.  Know that sometimes it can't be changed but it can be tweaked a little.  Let your little person be who they were meant to be because if they try to be who you want them to be, they will be way less happy.  Give them guidelines and rules, but set them free to learn what is truth and what the consequences of bad choices are. 

It was when I finally left home, left the town and church I grew up in, and figured out it was okay to climb out of the box that I started finding out who I was.  It was a rocky transition because I didn't know how to marry the two people and be who I was everywhere.  I enjoyed the freedom to be me outside of Guymon and hopped back into the box in my hometown because it was expected.  Now, I feel the freedom to be who I am generally in both places.  If the people who have known me my whole life don't like it, then I'm sorry for them because they are missing out on a better person today than I was back then.  If they want that person back, too bad.  You'll see glimpses and she's not completely gone, but I'm gonna be me.  I'm going to have opinions you may not like.  I'm going to do things you may not like.  And, I'm still gonna do some things you do like.  I'm a grown up now...at 36...finally.