Confronting confrontation

I think there has to be middle ground between confrontational and non-confrontational. I dunno if it lies in politeness. I don't know how to get there either...or for that matter what it looks like.

I think people are one or the other generally. I've never really met someone in the middle. I've met people who think they are in the middle. They tend to talk about how horrible it is that someone's non-confrontational but when push comes to shove, they won't tell you what they think either. I think they are just more confrontational than the people they are talking about but still non when you get right down to it.

I've met confrontational people too. They scare me. They will say things for the sheer fun of starting an argument and watching it go. I don't know that that is productive at all but they have a sadistic good time. Mostly around those people I'm just thankful if they are going after someone besides me.

Mostly I'm non-confrontational...it's true. You have to really tick me off to get me confront you and it's usually in the heat of it and I regret it once the fire has died. Arguments make my belly hurt. If someone comes at me I tend to shut down and make an exit as quickly as possible from the situation. I don't like it.  I used to fire up and fire back but I think age has mellowed me. But I'm afraid it's allowed for being taken advantage of as well.

There's been some moments when I wanted to be confrontational, but manners or thinking of the consequences kept me nice. I wanted to hang up the phone on someone recently but I realized they'd either call me back or id hear about it later so I just gritted my teeth and hung on.

Most recently I've found myself wanting a mini-confrontation if you will. I want to know where I stand in certain situations but I have no idea how to read them, which is unusual. There are mixed signals everywhere and I'm trying to figure out how to proceed but since no one will just shoot straight, it's difficult terrain to navigate and as much as I hate it, I facilitate it by trying to mold myself to what the situation appears to be requiring and wondering if that was the correct move and never truly knowing.

I think what I've come down to is we don't need confrontation or lack of confrontation. We need honesty. If you want something from someone you have to tell them what you want. Not sit around and get angry because they aren't guessing correctly. Life is too short to be a guessing game. I think it may take some getting used to but if everyone would just say, "hey I like when you ___, but it drives me nuts when you ___" then we'd all be on the same page and even if it causes momentary tension it would be worth it in the end.

Maybe

You never know unless you try. But it's scary to try.

Curse learning to do things myself.

(Also known as I should have paid attention when people were showing me stuff.)

I pinned a pin to Pinterest. (Like picking a peck of...you know). Basically I got all the supplies to make this floor "pouf" cushion thing. I let the supplies marinate for about a week and then in true me style I decide to do it at 9pm tonight. I'm making this floor cushion. Watch out world!

Basically I shouldn't sew things this late at night because I'm pretty sure it sounds like a machine gun to my neighbors but I was inspired to do it.

This project involved some piping (that cord stuff that goes around stuff and makes it look all official). I officially hate it now. It's hard. I googled it during the week some time and got some pointers. So I pinned all that junk down (after I'd cut my circles and rectangles and all that jazz).

Oh ya buddy. This is an hour of my life ill never get back. Jk. Like 30 minutes but still.

So I remembered reading somewhere that a zipper foot is the way to go with those things. Well I'd accidentally somehow knocked my pedal off last week and figured out (googled) how to put it back so I knew I could get that off no problem. So I opened up my bag of miscellaneous things I don't know what they do and there were more than one pedal in there.  Well poo. I figured out (googled) which one was the zipper foot and changed them out. Now, we're cooking. I started sewing that stuff on. It was awful but I made it. I don't recommend a first piping experience to be round but I digress.

I'm basically at this point feeling super confident that I've got this. I proceed to pinning this straight piece onto the round piece. A little tricky but I still got this. I then put it up to sew it, get about half way around and BAM!!  I dunno who did it but that needle popped in half like it hit steel. 

And...Houston we have a problem. See that's happened before...once. At which point I swiftly got my mommy to fix it for me. Um...my mommy doesn't live here. Ok no biggie. I have google so I pull out my bag of miscellaneous objects again and there a needle with another needle attached to it. Super, a back up needle!  I tried to pull one out but it doesn't come. So I resort back to my advisor (google). Wait, there's a double needle thingy. It hurts my head to think about what that would be for but clearly it's not the two needles I thought I could use separately. 

So basically I have no needle. It's 11:30 at night and I still don't know how to fix it. I'm gonna have to go to the store and buy a needle and then go to google and figure this puppy out. Clearly, my method of fixing things (ie having someone do it for me) only is effective if that person is always here. Darn. I need my mommy!!!

Next on the list of things I need someone to show me is how to string my guitar. I'm ok with looking dumb until someone helps me if I have to change a tire. 

Disclaimer:  I am not a good sewing person. I took home ec once in jr high. I'm just figuring it out as I go so don't judge my stupidity. 

Decisions...decisions

It's that time of year again. If you live in an apartment, you can theoretically change your life every time your lease is up. My lease is up August 31.

So, what do I do?  I have several options. The part of town I live in is slowly becoming less desirable. But I live in a nice apartment. So, I could just stay put. Definitely the cheaper option. It's a nice place but only one bedroom. The people that run it are nice but I'd like to punch my neighbor in the face.

I could move to a new apartment in a better part of town. Of course I'd have to pay deposits and pack and move and blah blah. It might be better. It might not be. You never know really until you're there.

I could completely move. Like new city move. My life here has changed from what I enjoyed. I don't really feel like I'm needed here anymore when I'm not at work. That's one of the reasons the blogs slowed down; I don't have cute pictures anymore.  My fun buddy is busy doing fun things other places. So, its kind of an added loneliness and I like to be needed, and I'm not sure I am needed anymore. Which is fine but sad cuz I assumed I might be needed more. So if I'm not, why am I still here?  The thing is though I have a good job. I'm learning a lot and feel like I know what I'm doing lol. I feel like if I went back to where I came from my job life would be a demotion. However my personal life would definitely not suck as bad. So which is more important?  What I do to get paid or what I do for fun?  I could also move to somewhere completely new but then my personal life might not change either. So from that aspect I might as well stay here.

Basically, I can do anything I want to do, but I don't know what I want to do. I hate decisions. I wish I had a crystal ball to see the future. Will my life ever go back to being what it was?  Or am I just destined for loneliness here?  I would like to make a wise decision but realistically I'd like to just have someone tell me what to do lol. Clearly I might need a husband for that. Dear husband...just take me somewhere lol. Just kidding.

I'm basically leaning toward moving locations in town and staying put to wait it out. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm up for a complete life change again. But I have to make a decision soon. So, we'll have to see what the future holds.

(Disclaimer: I'm really just thinking out loud cuz that's what I do on my blog. Again it's not meant to offend anyone because there's nothing worth getting offended over lol. But I wanted to throw that out there too just in case)

Where'd you go?

I've had several people ask why I stopped blogging or when I was gonna do it again or various forms of this question. First, I'm flattered that you were looking for me. Second is the answer. It's marinating.

Basically my blog is, a lot of time, like leaving my diary open for y'all to read. I use it as a cathartic experience of working through stuff. Throwing my thoughts out and processing is for my benefit as well as your entertainment. Along the way I'm very cognizant of things that might be offensive to people in my real life. So some of it stays in my closed door journal. That way no one reads it, takes it wrong and hates me for life (Jk. Basically I don't need the extra drama of people being mad about a blog. Seriously.)

So, I'm still letting things marinate. I'm letting them boil down to the meaty goodness that might be fit for public consumption. When they are ready, I'll let them out for you...or not. I'll decide when that time comes. For now just know that I'm working through life and I'm not sure I like where it is and possibly where it's headed but I'm taking a wait-see approach.

I'm Trying to figure out what I really want out if life and if this is really all my life is going to boil down to, and if it is, how I feel about that. (Know that I don't hate my life; it's just very different from what I imagined it to be and even from what it used to be. I'm feeling perhaps a little useless and lost. But c'est la vie.). I'm working through stuff quietly. If I let it out now it would only be unnecessarily drama-laden, though no doubt entertaining, and I really would prefer everyone stay as happy as they are physically capable of being. I'll be back soon, if only for meaningless chatter and craft time. You never know.

Thanks for waiting on my 36-year crisis. I hope we all come out ok on the other side.

magic and innocence

I'm mulling over some deep, meaningful things right now and considered writing about them.  But, I think like a good stew, they need to marinate for a while before they can truly be savored, so I'm going to digress to a different topic all together while I let those soak and simmer a while longer.

So...for a fun topic.  FAIRY DOORS ;)

Remember when you were younger and everything seemed a little magical?  I think we tend to lose that as we age.  Maybe it's the fact that the only person I hang out with when I'm not at work is 2, or maybe I just have an inner child that I can't subdue, but I still find some of that magic fun and exciting.  I know it's not real, but I love playing it up for her and watching her eyes sparkle because she believes that they are. 

I was reading something...somewhere....I don't remember (I tend to read a lot of random things and pick up random facts but forget where I read them at.  Like once I read that employers that allow employees a 30 minute nap each day have more productive employees.  I've proposed that to a couple of different employers and no one is down...but anyway, I digress) I read about fairy doors popping up different places.  One article I read discusses how the fairies only come out at night and might leave gifts for children if they have been good or letters of reminder if they haven't. 

My little two year old BFF has a fascination with Tinkerbell so it kind of fit right in.  I constructed for her fairy doors.  Basically I went to Hobby Lobby and bought doors that were supposed to go on doll houses and painted them and put the handles on them and then put them on the wall with Command Strips.  My house contains two fairy doors.

The first time she was going to come over after I installed fairy doors, I was so excited.  It was like a kid at Christmas.  I told her on the ride over that fairies had put up a door in my house.  I don't know that she was really that impressed yet though or even grasped the concept at that point.  Then she saw it....

    "What's that?"  My fairy door.  (she bent down to examine).  "Are the fairies in there?"  I think so.  I haven't seen them though; they only come out at night.  (knocking on the door) "Oh fairies?  Fairies?" 

And then...she tried the handle.  It was locked.  (theoretically...it really is just fixed to the door and doesn't turn.)

I told her I think only the fairies could open the door and they were probably sleeping.  She smiled.  Then I told her we should check and see if there were any other fairy doors.  (I already knew there was another...obviously...but this would be more fun.)  So, we went running through the house and suddenly she found the fairy door!!

It really didn't take long to discover this one didn't open or have anyone answer it either, but she still checks them sometimes.

Once, I left a little plate outside the pink one because I was going to have the fairies leave her a present when she came over.  Well, I have a dog and I didn't want him to eat her present ('cause they were going to leave her a 'gum' [m&m] for tee-teeing on the potty) so I was going to put it out later.  Well...I forgot.  She looked at the door, tried the lock again and then turned to say something to Beau and I grabbed the "gum" I had placed on the shelf and put it on the plate while she wasn't looking. 

"Look the fairies left you a present!"  She was about the most excited person in life for that moment.

I love the fairy doors.  It brings imagination.  Maybe even a little faith...that something you can't see does exist.  It's a little magic that reminds me of innocence and the good in the world that still exists.  I want to grab that innocence and hang onto it.  I want to believe with the faith of a child that everything happens for a reason.

When things aren't going according to plan, there's someone looking out for you.  Not fairies of course, but God's got your back.  Unlike the fairies, He's not leaving you presents when you're good and letters of reprimand when you're bad.  He's around gently (or roughly when it's needed) guiding you on the path he has for you.  He didn't promise a bump-free ride, but he promised to ride it with you.

And unlike the fairies, He always answers the door ;)

The best laid plans....

It takes all kinds of people to make up the world.  Some people are organizers and planners.  I have a friend who I once agreed to go on a trip with, who proceeded to plan the whole trip minute by minute.  Seriously?  What if I have to go to the bathroom at a non-designated bathroom going time? LOL. 

I also know people that plan nothing and are so "fly by the seat of your pants" that they are undependable because they said they'd do something but never planned on it and found something more interesting to do at that moment. 

It takes all kinds.  The organizers help keep the non-planners in check, but they also drive each other crazy.  From the planners we learn the necessity of planning a few things.  And, from the non-planners, we learn to let some things go and wing it.

I think I fall somewhere in between but a little more leaning toward a fly by the seat of my pants girl.  I do plan things occasionally.  Generally though when someone asks me what my plans are for the day, I honestly have no idea.  Most days when I pick up El, I let her pick the plans right then.  Sometimes we don't do what she picks (like when it's 30 degrees or raining and she wants to go to the zoo or when we went to "the fishies" yesterday and she wants to go again today). 

A lot of days, I have a loose plan.  I know some time during that day I need to do laundry and vacuum.  And, some time during that day I need to do this, that, or the other thing.  But I don't plan it out...and if I get distracted and don't get it done, I just do it the next day.  Sometimes I procrastinate too, which is not good when you don't plan. 

The current place I work makes you kind of plan ahead.  They do their schedule a couple of months in advance.  I'm having trouble with this because we are scheduling for June right now and I have no idea what I want to do in June.  So, I just randomly schedule. 

Occasionally I attempt to plan that far in advance and usually it doesn't work out.  For example, Thanksgiving.  I thought everyone was going to be gone, so I scheduled for work all around that holiday and everyone descended on Tulsa to show me once again that planning doesn't work.  (As stated in a previous blog, I found a creative way to get off of work...I cut off my toe.  J/K I'd rather be at work.)

More recently I planned something that I thought would work out perfectly but was planned too far in advance and now it's not going to work out at all.  In fact I probably just scheduled myself right out of the activity that I was trying to schedule into.  But that's how it goes. 

Things like that make me want to not be a planner.  Because when I do plan and it doesn't work out, I tend to get upset with myself or the situation.  I am trying to let that go though as part of becoming a better person.  As a off the cuff person, why should I be bothered when something doesn't work out??  I'm working on that.  If I plan something, I tend to want everyone to stick to that plan.  Well, that doesn't always work out. Sometimes there's too many people to sync up and it was destined for failure.  Sometimes it was just out of our hands to begin with, so trying to plan the unplannable was stupid to begin with.

Who am I to say the plan that someone else (or God) has made is not better than mine?  Who's to say my way was best anyway.  Maybe the new way will work out better...maybe it won't.  But, it is what it is, so let's just fly with it and see what happens.  Who needs plans anyway? 

And now I will digress...because enough serious musing for one day.  Yesterday, we went to the "fishies" (the aquarium here in Tulsa).  E loves the fishies.  She gets genuinely excited every time.  "What is it?!"  She excitedly asks.  Her excitement is contagious, even if it is the same thing it was last time ;)  I like the fishies too, admittedly so I don't mind a trip to the fishies every now and then.  It's indoors so it's good for bad weather, but unfortunately it smells fishy.  If you come to Tulsa, check it out though...'cause it's fun.

Look I can touch the fishies...

A shark is going to eat you!

Petting the sting rays which actually petted her instead.

Divers in the coral reef...so exciting!  (I'd not seen that before actually)

I'm gonna kiss the alligator.  (it's a statue if you can't tell).



Well, that's it for now.  My work schedule for the next little bit is a bit of a nightmare, so don't expect excellence any time soon...though clearly you probably weren't expecting it anyway....until next time. 

Brusch--whatta?

I have nothing deeply meaningful to say...or I do and I haven't figured out how to nicely say it yet...and so I'm going to share my adventure with you.

This past weekend we celebrated the impending arrival of Miss Everleigh Grace (due next month).  I had volunteered to help with the "Sprinkle" (I'm guessing that's a small shower...idk new to me).  So I texted the person who was in charge and asked if I needed to do anything, contribute money, etc.  (I was expecting contribute money lol.)  The answer was we were going to bring appetizers while she was going to get cupcakes...and those appetizers were supposed to be vegetables for dipping and something called bruschetta.  I said OK because I figured veggies were easy and out of two people I would hopefully not have to figure out what the other thing was. 

Anyway...blah blah blah...fast forward...I needed to figure out what bruschetta was first and how to make it second fairly quickly.  YIKES.  I was feeling either low class or stupid that I'd never heard of this when I mentioned that I needed to make bruschetta to several people and their response was "I love bruschetta!"  Mmmk...no pressure there.  Apparently whatever this is is well loved.  (DOUBLE YIKES).  So I googled.  From the pictures I deduced tomatoes and something green and something about bread...or crackers...or something.  Being the procrastinator that I am (and still secretly hoping someone else is bringing this) I went to sleep secure in the knowledge of what it was.

The day before the shower, I realized I had not heard anything further and thus should probably figure out how to make this bruschetta business.  At a place that shall remain nameless, in a spare moment, I googled bruschetta recipes.  I first came across The Food Network ('cause I love them) and basically ol' Alton gave me a recipe for bread.  Clearly I can figure out how to toast bread, Alton...but thanks.

Next recipe I came across called for scary things, like boiling tomatoes for not very long and something about peeling skins off.  I don't know much but peeling tomatoes seemed a bit out of my league.  People tried to reassure me, but I thought for sure there should be a better way.  Afterall, I was going to have to undertake this after working 12 hours. 

Another person had a grand idea "buy it!"  They proceeded to list restaurants in the area with good bruschetta.  I googled...they all opened at 11...the shower started at 11...this would not work, sadly :(

Back to recipe googling. Oh, Pioneer Woman...she had a recipe that looked simple enough.  Not much cooking and little tomatoes cut up...surely I could handle that.  (And no cheese...and there's some vegetarian or vegan folk around I knew).

So...after work I went shopping.

Supplies acquired included tiny grape tomatoes in red and yellow, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, basil, and garlic...oh and bread.



I must say I chose my olive oil with great care...I picked the one with the cutest bottle (well not the very cutest, but within monetary reason).  With supplies firmly in hand (and Starbucks coffee...a required ingredient), I sat out for the homestead to make this bruschetta. 

First, I prepared for the part of chef by donning my blue apron (because everything works better if you are dressed for the part).  (PS ignore the weird expression...remember this is post-12 hour shift so clearely it was more exciting that it needed to be). 

After dressing for the part, I began preparing the ingredients.  The recipe said prep time was 10 minutes.  Clearly, they had minions.  About 45 minutes later (and various ideas such as sliced tomatoes in cans and using cutting tiny tomatoes as prison punishment), I was ready to actually make the stuff.  Seriously, who would have thought slicing tiny tomatoes to be such torture.  There are no pictures after this because it was no longer exciting lol. 

I followed the rest of the recipe (and turned my house into a garlic smelling wonderland) and mixed everything together and let it "procreate" in the refrigerator (seriously, the recipe calls for procreation).  I then made the dip for the veggies, washed and sliced veggies and made a list of the things I would probably forget to do tomorrow and went to bed.

Basically, it turned out ok I guess.  I dunno...I am not a fan of garlic.  Someone, who read my comments on facebook, asked me how it turned out, and I said "I dunno."  And, then they asked me if I tasted it, to which I replied, "yes, but I don't know what it's supposed to taste like."  Therefore I remain blissfully ignorant.  People ate it so it had to be okay or they humored me big time (which I doubt lol). 

It was a fun undertaking anyway...and now that I've purged my refrigerator of its garlic smell, it's only a fond memory.

(I forgot to take a picture, so this is a picture of the leftovers four days later before I threw them away lol).

If I like you, I'll make weird stuff for you.  It was a good time.  The restaurant was inside a store which was very interesting and cute.  The food was good (from the restaurant) and we had a good time.  I need to go back to that store sometime and look around. 

A picture of the card El and I made for Everleigh that I was excited about :)  (I kinda want to print this picture because it turned out so good).

Anyway....that's about all the excitement I have for now.  If you want to google the bruschetta recipe, it's the Pioneer Woman one.  If you want to google "cooking with morons", I haven't written that one yet.  Otherwise, catch ya next time we go on an adventure.

(P.S. - I was spell checking this blog just now and I discovered that blogger doesn't know what bruschetta is either.  I can sleep better in that knowledge.)